We're all in this together
Accepting help isn’t always easy. I was reminded of this just recently. I had sent out an email to a significant number of friends asking for prayer and some practical help. As I wrote the email, and then right after I sent it, I gave thanks and marveled at the graciousness of God to bless my family with such an extensive network of people who could both pray and offer help for our specific material need at the time. What a privilege and something to give thanks for!
But– only a few hours later as I was driving, I was suddenly overcome by a huge sense of shame. “What was I thinking to open up our life and difficulties to others and expect something from them? What would people think about how we got into that situation? What kind of a selfish person asks others for help with normal everyday life situations?”
Why yes, I am somewhat of a messed up person. Why do you ask?
It looks almost a little silly to look back at that pendulum swing from thanksgiving to shame about the exact same blessing.
This comes to mind when I offer coaching for free or heavily discounted to someone in a hard place in life. Sometimes I perceive a bit of hesitation or even guilt at receiving something of value.
This is a normal part of the broken human condition. Sometimes it is because of others imposing shame on us for needing help in the past. Or it could be because of a lack of appreciation for how the Body of Christ is supposed to work together, we impose false guilt on ourselves. We also tend to have unrealistic expectations as to our own capacity and capabilities and miss out on God’s blessings through others.
Most people I talk to have no problem with offering help to others, but are hesitant to ask for help when they need it. Sometimes we hesitate to admit that we could use help at all, setting the bar for “need” extremely high, knowing that there are always others in more dire straits. There are a lot of reasons why asking or accepting help from others is difficult or avoided by people, but almost none of them are healthy for the life of the Body of Christ. I need to repent of my hesitancy or unwillingness to let others help with my needs just as much as I need to repent of my hesitancy or unwillingness to help others with their needs.
Here’s something I don’t even try to keep a secret: I don’t coach others primarily for the money. Yes, I charge people and I believe that the rates on my website are fair, and even below market value. But I am motivated by a greater purpose, to see God’s people using their gifts with excellence and doing good work for His Kingdom. So, I do a fair amount of coaching where money doesn’t change hands at all or wherein a significant scholarship is given.
Why?
So many reasons! But here’s just three:
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I get payment back from the work I do by way of the joy of hearing and being involved in the story of what Jesus is doing in someone else’s life. I never leave a coaching engagement or session except that I’m filled with energy, enthusiasm, and thanksgiving at getting to see what Jesus is doing in the lives of another person or team. Spending time coaching diverse people also helps me hone my skills. If I have free time, I’d choose to spend it coaching!
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Sometimes someone I want to help is in a position where she or he can’t pay for my work but has an immediate or current need. A frequent case here is someone who just lost their job unexpectedly and could use that career reboot package but needs to put any free dollars towards rent and groceries. It’s a personal privilege to be available and helpful in that context and if my own budget allows me, I do that frequently.
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Part of my motivation in starting Diadem Coaching is to help pastors and retired individuals find ways to utilize gifts and grow as leaders. My ongoing, unlimited coaching price is set where I think most people working in management roles for a market level salary can swing the cost. A lot of small churches or retired people looking for ways to serve the body don’t have the same resources. I want to serve that sector when I can, so I offer pastors a “name your own scholarship” - up to 90% off - so that it’s accessible even in pastoral work that is often not well compensated.
It isn't always as easy as we would like to know our own hearts. If you feel uncomfortable about accepting a scholarship though, assess and discern and whether a false sense of shame underlies that discomfort. There are many other valid reasons (bad timing, other things take priority, etc.) to turn down help. If the primary reason seems to be shame though, I would ask you to let me have the joy of using my gifts to help you work better, for God’s glory. Sometime in your future God is going to give you an opportunity to help someone else, and you will likely seize that chance to serve Jesus and your sister or brother in that moment. Together, God's work is done.​​
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James